journal
Kindness is Our Safety Net
November 18, 2010
In the past three years, I have had occasion to experience how little safety net there is for Americans in the wake of the economic crisis. I started my business right before the market crashed in late 2007. Due to a combination of factors, by December, 2009, my house was being foreclosed. Thanks to the generosity, love and kindness of old friends, I was able to move in with them while I continued to work on getting my business off the ground.
When I tell people that my house was foreclosed, their faces often crumple in nervous concern and they say, usually with a tinge of fear in their voices, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” None of us likes to think of foreclosure coming so close to home.
I always respond that it was and is really, really all for the good. The foreclosure provided me with so much grist for the spiritual mill and so much emotional healing of old wounds around money, work, and relationships that I harbor few regrets.
Further, I discovered by going through this process how deeply I am cared for by a supportive community of friends and family. I cannot honestly say I really believed I was so loved before this. If it had not been for many friends who have helped in myriad ways over the past two years, I would have been “homeless” and unable to continue with this work that my newsletters represent. They believe in me and what I am creating. They continue to cheer me on and help me when and how they can.
I am lucky in many ways compared to many Americans at risk for losing their homes due to being unemployed, self-employed, or under-employed in hard times. Many people do end up being on the streets and destitute. I did not—which speaks as much to the benefits I accrue due to my class, race and education in this society as to my particular, individual qualities and the quality and strength of my social networks.
The National Coalition for the Homeless conducted a national email survey in 2008 of “local and state homeless coalitions with the question, ‘Is your community seeing an increase in homelessness due to the foreclosure crisis?’” (see “Foreclosure to Homelessness”, by Bob Erlenbusch, et al., April 15, 2008). The following were some of their findings: 61% had seen an increase in homelessness. When asked “Where are people staying after their homes are foreclosed?” organizations gave multiple answers to the question: many people were living with family and friends, many were in emergency shelters, and many were on the street.
This economic crisis brings home how close to the edge we all are, no matter how much money and comfort we may currently have. It only takes a few misjudgments in money management, losing one’s job, a serious medical illness or accident, or another major economic crash, and even the most financially cautious of us could end up on the edge. We have recently seen how the greed of multinational corporations, wars fueled by fear, access to oil and other increasingly scarce resources, and government neglect of local and consumer interests in favor of monied and corporate preservation can push the entire world into a tailspin.
In the wake of these ongoing challenges, in the U.S., there is little or no safety net for individuals or families. Unemployment benefits are difficult to get—as I myself learned by being turned down because I teach on contract semester to semester. The welfare system has been so badly gutted that many who might need such support fall through the cracks. Even if you do qualify for such assistance, the funds paid out are hardly enough to put food on the table and buy gas. People on welfare and unemployment benefits are not living high on the hog or being lazy, as some conservative commentators would have us believe.
While there has been much talk about the government helping homeowners at risk for losing their houses, such assistance has yet to materialize in concrete and widespread ways. I also know from taking in and living for almost 5 years with my former mother-in-law in the early 2000s that there are hundreds of thousands elderly people and their families who must patch together solutions for eldercare and care of sick and disabled individuals even when family resources may already be stretched thin. There are little to no social supports for any challenges that digress from the happy picture of a comfortable, middle-class family that is healthy, fully employed, and so-called “normal”.
In the face of these growing challenges, I have to admit that I do not believe our economy is going to significantly improve in the next few years, despite optimistic predictions by economists and government representatives. Therefore, I ask all of us these questions: As more and more people find themselves with more and more pressing economic challenges on their plates, to whom will they turn for help? And if we are lucky enough to still be financially solvent and stable, what will we do when our friends and family members are at risk for being homeless and without enough money for gas and food? Will we be kind? Will we be able to overcome our own fears for our economic well being to be generous? Will we embody the principles of compassion and caring? Will we be willing to open our hearts, wallets, and homes to one another?
Kindness is the first stitch in the fabric of a community and government safety net. Kindness leads us to overcoming our natural instincts for self-preservation to extend what we have to others who are in need. We have seen over and over again in the wake of natural disasters and war how people leave their comfortable, self-sufficient bubbles to help their friends, neighbors and even strangers. I know first-hand from living through a forest fire that encroached upon the homes in my community and from surviving a tornado hit that such extreme events cause us to spontaneously reach out a helping hand to others and even to do things that might seem “heroic.” In such times, it is an instinctual human response to help.
However, in the wake of the slow and insidious erosion of our economy and accustomed lifestyles, we don’t have the same impetus of an immediate crisis to help us overcome an equally strong human instinct for self-preservation. This means that we must consciously cultivate the inner and outer conditions for kindness before crisis strikes.
Let me be clear that I am not naive about the need to have healthy interpersonal boundaries and to ensure that every individual be asked to step up to the plate to do what they can do to take care of themselves before and while they ask for and receive support from others. Kindness can often be confused with lack of good care of self on the part of both parties and an expectation that one half of the partnership continues to give and give without appropriate reciprocity, whether emotional, physical or financial.
In such situations, sometimes we must insist that a loved one or friend develop healthier work or personal habits so that they are not taking advantage of others. I have been in the painful position of having to say this to family members more than once in my life under very extreme circumstances. It has been a lifelong learning process for me to know when it is appropriate to give and when it is appropriate to say no. It has also been a learning process for me to be willing to ask for help and to know when to do so. It is a never-ending exercise of balance and sensitivity to inner and outer conditions.
And sometimes, I have made mistakes on both ends of the spectrum precisely because my own and other’s lives and responses to external circumstances are complex. Particularly when economic pressures mount and threaten our very physical well being, our individual wounds and personal suffering are triggered in new and unexpected ways. It is important to be aware and take care of ourselves when this happens; to know when it is time to ask for professional psychological and/or spiritual help.
Nevertheless, in the face of such difficulties, there are no absolutes when it comes to the flow of giving and receiving and how we each may choose to act on our innate human capacity for kindness towards others. The best we can do is honor our own needs and make careful decisions about how we can best support one another while asking for a healthy measure of personal responsibility. And above all, we can work on developing the interpersonal skill of insight into our own suffering as a path towards forging greater compassion for the suffering of all.